March 17, 2005
Alien vs Predator
I just rented the DVD of
Alien vs Predator. Why would I waste any time with the latest action gorefest?
Well rest assured I didn't actually watch the movie, unless you count at 30x fastforward. What was I looking for? Last summer when the movie came out a friend
told me he saw
fractal flames in it. And indeed a big flame opens the title sequence. There are many more smaller ones in the ending titles. I'll see if I can get a clip or still.
Posted by spot at March 17, 2005 05:24 PM
Ok, so I was bored and I paid $4.95 to watch this via I.O. (Cablevision's video on demand...) Alright, now the setup takes forever. Fair warning. Diagrams, helicopters, mountain climbing, debriefings. This filming strategy cut the cost of the film down but real-fake shots of the ice cutting boat were well worth it. Trust me. Ice cutting boats are action worthy. So like I said, the setup takes forever which is longer than an Alien takes to hatch out of your sternum. Most of the story takes place in Antarctica even though Predator’s hate the cold. Thank goodness for the Computer Graphics in this movie, there is not much else to say. Well except for…
Now the Predators come to Earth again and they are bored with Arnold so they bring along a Sigourney Weaver alien that was frozen just for fun. Then some scientists just happen to be around because they are on an expedition that knows about a big Pyramid below the Antartic ice where they have to explore and where the Predator’s just happen to be going. (Ya with me so far?) Well at least ‘Alien’ Bishop (Lance Henriksen) is along for the ride. Now I get the feeling that he’s really going to die in this movie. No darting a knife between the fingers in any scene I promise. That would have been way too interesting. No milky fluids coming from his android body. In fact, he really doesn’t do anything in this movie except use an inhaler. I swear! Hell, he ain’t even Bishop!
Now the scientists all go exploring in the snow and later in the Pyramid below the ice. One of the characters in the movie, some hours later, carries around a weapon found in the Pyramid and carries it forever without realizing it’s a weapon! Apparently, the scientists can figure out how to read hieroglyphs from every race on and off the planet, but, no one can figure out it's a useful weapon until... (Yawn...) Why are horror/scary movie/thriller people so freakin stupid? Is this always a requirement? Don't you dare go down in the basement!!! Ok, maybe just this once? Now if someone told me not to go down into the basement and there were bats flying around , I just wouldn’t go down would you? How about a five-thousand foot hole in the ice that couldn’t have been drilled by anything known on the planet except for maybe Aliens? Yep. They all go down. Ya gotta love the stupid scientists.
Now there's a lot of gush and gook and Alien acid. It’s becomes as cliché as a Film Noir detective looking at blood at the scene of the crime. Ever notice how detectives always have to stick their fingers in the blood and smear it around just to make sure it’s blood? No HIV in those days. Well now it’s Alien slime apparently. A scene or two with the sticky stuff being examined. You always have to pick up the sticky gun/stick/whatever very slowly to let everyone know it’s sticky. You have to have that stupid look on your face when you pick it up as well. Just turn your head to the side and look at the sticky stuff and say to yourself. This doesn’t look right … it looks like Alien sticky stuff. By the way, the Alien is right behind you.
Then there’s the Alien Acid. We all know this stuff can melt its way down several stories of futuristic metal. It burns like a bad pepperoni Pizza at Sbarro’s. But Alien acid just doesn’t follow the laws of gravity. Einstein rolls over in his grave during this movie when Alien acid is flowing like water but it just can’t seem to fall on the heroine no matter how much she sticks the Aliens and bleeds them. OK, once she gets it but quickly takes off her outer jacket. Quite frankly I could have spit across the room and gotten more on her. Aliens, please take note. Spit, don’t bother bleeding like a pig.
Now the heroine goes around in a long sleeve, acid free light shirt from there on. Ok, so the rest of the movie doesn’t matter but finally the end of the movie does happen. Here we go. There’s the imminent explosion. Predator’s gotta blow up all traces of everything as usual. But wait. First you must watch the Predator bomb-clock tick to its own beat and with only a few seconds left, it still takes 5 minutes. I know the clock is on Predator time, but I’ve seen this before… Tick Tick Tick. Couple running away from the bomb. Tick Tick Tick. Shot of clock ticking. Now they are climbing or something like that. Tick Tick Tick. Now they are running. Shot of clock ticking. Tick Tick Tick. Someone slips on Antartic ice and slowly gets up. Shot of clock ticking. Tick Tick Tick. Now they are running again. WAIT. The bomb is about to go off. EVERYONE MUST JUMP (the big bomb flame in back of them goes off.) Now, hit the deck. Slide, Blast, Boom and they’re SAFE! This bomb is like a really big bomb, so they had to run a few seconds more than usual understand? It was like a nuclear bomb, so they had to run extra hard in this film. Harder than running from a fuel truck exploding with a metallic futuristic robot turning itself into a cop and chasing you. We should be so lucky in this movie. No Arnold, no robot. Just a Predator and heroine on an Abyss of ice. They insist on staying on the edge of the ice by the way just to prove that scientists and Predator’s are equally stupid. The heroine’s shirt is clean pressed after all the battle, spit, acid and goo. No time for a sloppy chick in this movie. Aliens and Predators hate sloppy alike. Only her hair and the Predator’s are better looking.
Now later on still, the heroine is outside the Predator space ship in the middle of Antarctica before the grateful Predator aliens must take off for home. You understand? Predators never stick around long enough to explain Area 54. The heroine; well…she’s in her nice pressed shirt in Antarctica and what’s so unusual about that?. It’s amazing that the director, the CG guys the whole film crew went through all the trouble of putting a Pyramid under the ice in Antarctica. We got to see layers and layers of clothes in the beginning of the movie just to prove this takes place in Antarctica. We got to see an Ice cutter for Pete’s sake! And now the end of the movie has the heroine in the middle of Antarctica with a pressed semi-light shirt on and she doesn’t even have the cold cloud breath. I mean really, there was more mist coming out the mouths of the “I see dead people” cast. The Predators then take off and the heroine is not feeling chilly at all. I, on the other hand, felt a chill go up my spine just thinking about the $4.95 on my Cablevision bill. WAIT! It’s not over yet. Deep inside the Predator ship as it leaves Earth’s atmosphere, a slow pull back of the camera shows the dead body of one of the hero-Predator guys. He’s lying on a slab as his friends walk away - all of them sad in a Predator way. What’s that? Something moving in the dead guys chest? Can it be a little Alien pup? Is something going to jump out of his chest? Nahhh! The dead guy is sicker than me about this movie. He’s just going to barf I think? Now that’s scary! 3 Stars for CG. Nothing else to make this worthwhile except for the cleanest costumes after an alien invasion that I have ever seen.
AvP wasnt great. Dont think avp2 gonna be any better. Only hope Alien 5 will eventually come out in 2008.